


Back home

by Emilowl



Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Angst, Explicit Language, M/M, Not Beta Read, Slow Burn, Tags Are Hard, Tags May Change, Work In Progress, spoilers for Mass Effect 3 ending
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-07
Updated: 2021-01-13
Packaged: 2021-03-09 05:15:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,494
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27439441
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Emilowl/pseuds/Emilowl
Summary: After the Normandy's crash, the crew have to somehow find their way back home to earth, while dealing with major Alenko and his feelings towards the commander. With everyone believing the commander dead Kaidan refuses to stop until he can find Shepard and bring him home.I'm sorry, I suck at summaries.Tell me if I need to add tags or something!
Relationships: Kaidan Alenko/Male Shepard
Kudos: 13





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So uuuuuuh hi?  
> Few things! First thanks for checking my work! This is the first fanfic I've ever written, and I kinda rushed the ending of the first chapter since I wanted to get this out during N7-day.  
> This work will be part of a series, but it will take some time for me to finish so bear with me!
> 
> Also, feel free to tell me if there are any grammar errors. I'm not a native speaker so there could be errors.

_Kaidan takes a step forward, holding the metal plate in his hands. He runs his hand over the carved text and looks at the wall where he can see many other names, waiting for the one in his hands to join them. He knew some of these names, some he heard about later, stories from the crew. The people behind him stand in silence, waiting for Kaidan to make his move._ They want you to join them, he thinks to himself. I’m sure I can’t be the only one who believes, but maybe… maybe they think it’ll be easier to let go. _Kaidan finds himself thinking about the bottle and the glasses, how their fingers brushed over the other ones when he gave Shepard his glass. And he smiles. With a slight huff, he kneels down and places the metal plate against the wall on the ground._ Commander Shepard, _he reads the writing on the plate to himself,_ I know you’re out there. Come back home, soldier. _When he stands back up no-one says anything, but he feels a hand on his shoulder. Joker is looking at the wall, at the newest addition to all the names on it and Kaidan isn’t sure if the touch is meant to comfort him or Joker, but he gives Joker a gentle pat on the shoulder when he turns to leave. He gets through the small group of people and takes a few steps towards the elevator before he inhales sharply and everything goes black._

That happened yesterday. Now he’s still lying on one of the beds in the medbay, where Dr Chakwas insisted he would have to stay until they get back… somewhere with proper medical equipment. He had few broken ribs and a limp on his right leg from a shot wound. But the culprit to his collapse was a concussion Dr Chakwas was ashamed to admit she didn’t notice before. Kaidan didn’t blame her, she had a lot of work on Normandy after the crash. Hell, she was busy even before the crash. To be honest he should have noticed himself that something was wrong. And maybe he did but just decided to ignore it. How could he get worried about a little bit of dizziness when he had to take care of the crew? Since Shepard is not aboard and they haven’t been able to contact him, which everyone except him seems to take as a death sentence, Kaidan is now the highest-ranking officer on the Normandy so everyone expects him to be in charge. At least now he can take comfort in the soft hum of the ship's engines, knowing that they are finally moving. He sighs softly and rubs his hand against his face when he hears the door opening and Dr Chakwas greeting someone.

“I have to say, major, you look awful.” Kaidan lazily peeked through his fingers at Garrus who was now at the table next to him, pouring a glass of water for Kaidan. He probably looked just as bad as he felt, with the dizziness and the feeling of a starting migraine that’s been present for way too long to be normal. He should tell Chakwas about it.

“Hmm, you don’t look too great yourself.” He smirked to himself when Garrus gave him an airy chuckle. Kaidan took the water glass the turian offered him and eagerly drank the fresh liquid, realizing just how dry his throat had been before.

“Hey. At least I have taken a shower. You stink.” Garrus crossed his arms before his chest and his mandibles moved in a way Kaidan knew to be a turian equivalent to a human smile. Kaidan hummed in agreement against the glass but suddenly stopped in his tracks, lowering the glass and raising his brow at Garrus. “You got the water heating system working?”

“Kenneth and Gabriella worked their magic after they and Adams got the ship working.”

Kaidan sighed and leaned back against the pillows when Garrus took the empty glass from him and placed it on the table. “We’re finally going home.”

“I wouldn’t get my hopes up.”

“More problems?”

“Still no luck with the navigator. We’ve been working on it with Tali and Liara but it’s all messed up. And without…” Garrus paused for a moment and looked at the floor, a hint of sorrow in his eyes. “Without EDI we have no way of knowing what’s causing the problem.”

“So you’re saying we’re moving, and fast, but don’t know where?”

“Well, Joker insists that he can find the way just by looking at the stars, but I do have my doubts. For all I know, we could be halfway on our way to earth, or we could be making our way to the edge of space.” Garrus's tone shifted to a playful one, but as Kaidan smiled back at him, he couldn’t help but worry about the situation. First, he was glad that they were finally up and moving, but now knowing that they could possibly be flying fast to who knows where he wonders if it would have been better to stay put. Try and fix the coms and wait for someone to find them. But the problem was, they didn’t know where they were. It’s possible no-one would ever come around to save them. Maybe this was better. And they have a great team, they’ll find a way. They have to. They don’t know what’s going on elsewhere, it’s a possibility that the Reapers are still around. Kaidan doesn’t believe it, of course, there’s no way Shepard had failed, but he cannot deny the possibility however low. And he had to find Shepard. He had to get to John, had to make sure he’s okay. That he’s still alive.

They talked for a while, with Garrus sitting on the bed next to Kaidan’s. They both really needed to unwind, think about something other than the situation they were in right now. They traded stories, laughed at stupid jokes and at some point just sat in silence. After a few hours, Garrus had to get back to his work and Kaidan had to get back to… well, resting and trying to get better so he could go back to helping everyone else.

“Hey, Garrus.” The turian stopped in his tracks when he was about to open the door to leave, and turned to look back at Kaidan, raising his brow at the man. 

“I’m sure you’ll get the navigation working. Before that we just have to trust Joker, he knows what he’s doing.” Garrus smiled at him and bid him farewell before exiting the medbay.

_I hope he does._


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this sounds a bit silly, but to the few people who already left kudos, thank you. I really appreciate it. I honestly wasn't expecting anyone to read this haha.
> 
> Again, feel free to let me know if you spot any grammar errors.

How Shepard always got out of the medbay so easily is beyond Kaidan. The headaches and the dizziness had stopped a bit after Garrus left, and the same evening he had heard Tali pacing around in the mess-hall talking to herself frantically before suddenly rushing away. So if something was going on and he was feeling better, why could he not go and check it out? It had taken all of his diplomatic skills and a promise to come back in an hour for a check-up for Dr Chakwas to agree to let him go.

The elevator doors open before him and he walks through the almost empty CIC towards the bridge where he can already hear the conversation going on.

“I’m not saying I don’t trust your pilot skills, but you-”

“Ha! You can’t say that you trust me and then continue with a ‘but’.”

“... But you have only ever been flying with navigation on. Even with all your training, you can’t be one hundred percent sure we’re going the right direction!” Tali was pacing back and front in the cockpit with Joker’s chair turned around so he was facing Tali. Joker was tapping the chair’s armrest with a clearly frustrated look on his face when he spotted Kaidan walking towards them and gave him a lazy wave.

“Major, good to see ya.” Tali turned to look at Kaidan when Joker spoke and gave him a small wave and a greeting. “Damn, you look awful. How did you get Chakwas to let you leave the medbay?” Joker chuckled and leaned a bit forward towards Kaidan. The Canadian ran his hand through his usually gelled back hair. He was a bit embarrassed that he didn’t even consider what he looked like when he limped his way up to the cockpit, but then again they had more urgent matters than the way his hair looked after one and a half days only laying in bed.

“Joker, don’t change the subject.” Tali snapped towards the pilot and Kaidan swore that if he could see Tali’s eyes he would see pure murder in them based on her tone of voice.

“What’s going on?” Kaidan tried to walk as steadily as he could to the copilot’s chair and lean against the backrest when the dizziness hit him again, and since neither of his friends mentioned anything about it he must have succeeded in looking stable enough.

“Oh, nothing important. Tali was just telling me how I’m the best pilot in the galaxy and how you all should just trust that I know what I’m doing.” Kaidan crossed his arms before his chest as Joker spoke and turned to give Tali a questioning look.  
“We still haven’t been able to figure out what’s messing up the navigation but we have found a way to stabilize it for a few moments at the time. And that gave me an idea!” Kaidan heard Joker huff out a frustrated noise and saw the pilot turning his chair around muttering something under his breath.

“We could make a map! If we study our surroundings from all over Normandy and compare them to what the navigator gives us when we stabilize it we should be able to make a fairly accurate map to help us get an understanding of where we are and how long till we reach our destination.” Tali had returned to pacing back and front around the cockpit, this time waving her hands around excitedly.

“Jeff, I don’t see why you have a problem with Tali’s idea.” The pilot quickly spun around in his chair, making Kaidan flinch slightly at the sudden movement.

“You haven’t heard the best part. She would rather trust a piece of paper than me!”

Tali halted again in her tracks and walked back to the middle of the room. “Well, yes, in a way. The only problem is that we can’t use a scanner anymore, so we have to do everything by hand. And because the navigator can be stabilized for only a brief moment we have to copy it somehow. Some of our Omni tools have started working, so we really don’t need to use paper for it. Besides, we used techniques like this constantly on the Flotilla, I know how it works. So I suppose the question is, do _you_ trust _me_ , Joker?” 

“Well, I…” Joker fidgeted in his chair for a few seconds before flopping back with a sigh. “Ugh, I guess it won’t hurt to try it. Fine, let’s do it your way.”

“Tali, did you talk to anyone else about this yet?” Kaidan pushed himself slightly away from the chair he was leaning against. Thankfully the dizziness passed quickly but Dr Chakwas would probably still want him to mention it during the check-up.

“Not yet. I’ll go talk to Liara and Garrus right away, so we can get this started.”

“Thanks, Tali. I, uh, have to get back to the med-bay. I promised Dr Chakwas I’d be back for a check-up. Let’s meet back here in an hour.” Kaidan nodded to his friends when he passed them and as he walked past the bridge doors he heard Tali’s gentle footsteps following him.

“How are you holding up?” Tali walked next to him carefully peaking at him through her visor. 

Kaidan lightly smiled at her. “I’m better than before. Just a concussion and few broken bones, that’s all. Doc let me leave the med-bay so that has to be a good sign.” 

“That’s… good to hear. But that wasn’t really what I meant.” Her voice seemed to shrink as she spoke to him. Almost as if she was afraid to ask him. Kaidan slowed down for a moment. What is he supposed to answer? _‘Yeah Tali, I’m perfectly fine and absolutely not worried to death about Shepard’_? 

“I’m fine.” Kaidan wasn’t fine, he wasn’t even okay. But he’s not the only one having a hard time right now, and there are more important things to do than talk about his feelings.  
“Are you sure? I know you and-”

“Thanks for asking Tali, but we better get going now. We can talk more when we know we’re going the right way.” God, Kaidan didn’t mean to sound so harsh. After everything, Tali is still his friend and only trying to help him.

“Yeah. Yeah, you’re right. I’ll see you in an hour.” Kaidan gave Tali a reassuring smile when she waved him goodbye and went her way.

As Kaidan stepped into the elevator and ordered it to go down back to the crew deck, he remembered the talk about their Omni tools. The man fidgeted with his Omni tool trying to get it working but gave up after a few unsuccessful attempts. Looks like Joker was right. He will have to go find some paper and a pen after all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had fun writing this one. I always enjoyed Joker's and Tali's characters, they seemed to bring a realistic and normal feeling to the games. And I imagine that they are great friends and love to make each other tick.
> 
> I want to say that I'll try to get the next chapter out quicker, but Black Friday is coming, meaning I have to work extra hours. But I'll try my best to get it done as soon as possible!


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I got hit by a bad case of lazy, but don't worry I'm recovering from it :D

“You feel unwell, even the slightest, you come right back here. Understood, major?” Chakwas walked Kaidan to the doors of the med-bay. The earlier dizziness was indeed not a good thing, and it took almost the whole hour before the doctor was satisfied enough to let Kaidan leave.

“Don’t worry, I won’t be running around too much. Thanks, doc.” They had stopped at the doors and Kaidan had turned to face the doctor as he spoke. Chakwas could be frustratingly thorough and she couldn’t be swayed easily, but everyone knew she thought of the crew as her family. That explains why her demanding tone and sturdy look softened when she spoke again. “Try to take it easy. I would hate to see you burn yourself out.”

In a way, Chakwas reminded Kaidan of his mother. She was more gentle and motherly than the doctor, but they both had the same caring eyes. They were motivated by the need to help others. Maybe that’s why Kaidan was so comfortable with the woman, she felt familiar. Kaidan felt the embarrassment reddening his ears at the realization that he had been thinking of Chakwas as a mother figure and he quickly excused himself, limping towards the elevator. He stood silent for a while after the doors closed behind him trying to remind himself of the task at hand. _The paper. I have to find a paper and a pen._ They must have papers somewhere, right? He looks at the elevator monitor, going through all the areas in his mind. Chakwas didn’t have any in the med-bay. Maybe in the conference room? And then the thought hit him. He knows where he can find paper for sure. And so the elevator starts moving up, to the captain’s cabin.

He hasn’t been here since the night before the battle. The elevator doors open up to show a messed up cabin. Things have fallen off the table, few of the ship models in the vitrine have crashed down, seems like one of them is broken. Kaidan walks up to the table where he sees a few sheets of paper and a cup that has fallen over full of pens. He smiles to himself. _I knew it._ John had told him that he remembered things better when he physically wrote or drew them down. Later Kaidan found out that it was just something he did, a habit whenever he needed a moment to himself Shepard would start writing. Maybe it was a way for him to get grounded, remind himself that he was also just a human.

Kaidan reaches for the stack of papers and goes over them looking for a clean piece of paper. Some of them already have some writing and scribbles, for example, one note that has all the squad members listed and what looks like Shepard’s guesses for their favourite colours, with ‘blue’ written next to Liara surrounded by question marks. Kaidan chuckles to himself and grabs a clean paper and a pen before his gaze shifts to the bedroom side of the cabin. Cabinet doors are open and some clothes are now laying on the floor, a leftover from the crash. Kaidan should clean it up at some point, make it presentable. For who, he’s not sure yet. Shepard was never really that neat with his belongings.  
And then he noticed that in the middle of the disaster the bed was exactly as it was before. It was perfectly made, almost looking like that crash to the planet had never happened. Maybe the pillows were a bit off, not in their usual places, but you would never notice that detail unless you were someone who has seen the way they were supposed to be multiple times like Kaidan has. In the chaos, it looked warm and familiar.

The man walked over to the bed, placing his findings on the bedside table and sat down on the stiff mattress, trying not to disturb the bedding too much. It felt so much more comfortable than the med-bay bed he had been sleeping on. A few seconds later Kaidan found himself lying on the bed, curled up like many nights before. He felt safe. No. He should feel safe. But he is missing the strong arms around him, holding him gently, like he could break at any moment. There’s no warmth against his back where he could feel the steady rising of Shepard’s chest, reminding Kaidan that the man was alive and safe. Without Shepard, the bed didn’t feel right, the room didn’t feel right. Nothing did. There was just this empty void left. Kaidan turned around, now lying on his back and finally opening his eyes. The mornings used to be so easy for Kaidan until he found himself waking up in his commander’s bed. Shepard would often wake up before him and greet him with a low and hoarse voice, still tired. _‘Hi there.’_ If it was up to them, they would stay in bed for hours, but both men had their duties. And the worst part was, they couldn’t be sure if there was ever going to be a day when they could stay in bed without worrying about the world ending without them.

And yet again, Kaidan had to get up.

He sat up and ran his hand through his hair like he would do in the mornings with Shepard. Taking the pen and paper from the bedside table he walked to the edge of the room to the door. Walking through the door and leaving the room should not have taken so much strength and energy, but it did. It’s not like staying in the cabin would have made him feel any better, possibly he would feel worse, but leaving the room felt like he was leaving Shepard behind again.

He stood before the elevator door for a moment in silence. Kaidan knew if he went down now, he wouldn’t be able to tear his thoughts away from Shepard, and frankly, he would be useless like that to everyone. It already happened two years ago. Even though Kaidan has now grown stronger as a person he knows there’s a chance he could slip back to the hollow husk of a man, like before. _Have to think about something else._

While standing still trying to focus on something else, Kaidan noticed a feeling around him. Or rather, the missing of a feeling. He no-longer felt the dark energy swirling around him. He had noticed it before when they had crashed on the planet and he had tried to move some debris with his biotics to only find his powers useless. Kaidan raised his hand to rub the back of his neck, carefully running his fingers over the amp-port. Was it damaged when they crashed and Kaidan hit his head? Chakwas should have said something about that… He’ll ask her next time. But now he should really get back to the bridge and not make everyone wait any longer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Have to be honest, I'm not really happy with how this one turned out. The chapter was supposed to have way more stuff in it, but I just got sucked in the scene. I had a really hard time trying to portray how Kaidan is feeling, but eh it is what it is. Sorry if it's a bit boring.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've had this chapter ready for literally two weeks, but for some reason never posted it. I have no excuse.

When Kaidan finally reached the bridge everyone was already waiting for him. Tali had told  
Garrus and Liara about her idea and both had agreed that it wouldn’t hurt to try it. After checking if their Omni-tools were working, and finding that Garrus had also been unable to get his to work, they decided to start right away.

“Garrus should stay here and help me with the navigator. You two can go map out the surroundings, and try to not miss anything! If this doesn’t work, Joker is never gonna let me hear the end of it.” Joker turned his chair around ready to shoot a comment back at Tali.

“This was a good idea, Tali. It seems simple enough, and even if it does not work as planned we will get back one way or another.” Liara chimed in before Joker could say anything and gave Tali a reassuring smile.

“The quicker the better. We should get started now.” Garrus walked up to the console next to the pilot with Tali quickly following him. While the two started working on the navigator Liara turned back to Kaidan and nodded towards the open door. “Shall we go?” They started walking through the bridge towards the elevators, Liara having to slow down her normal pace as Kaidan’s slight limb made it hard to keep up with her. They walked in silence for a moment after the door behind them closed. Not that Kaidan didn’t want to talk to the asari, he just never really knew how. She was nice and kind but she seemed to always be so reserved, Kaidan felt like he simply could not read her well enough.

“I have to say, I’m a bit surprised you got the elevator working so quickly.” Kaidan cleared his throat and spoke out when they walked in the elevator.

“Yes, Jeff insisted on fixing the elevator as soon as possible. He said that he has crawled through ducts enough already.” Liara fiddled with the monitor and stepped back when the elevator started descending towards the crew deck. “He wouldn’t elaborate on it, however. I would be interested in hearing the story someday.”

“Yeah.” And so the elevator fell silent again. Kaidan shifted around and every once in a while glanced at the asari woman next to him. She was fidgeting with her Omni-tool, clearly having trouble getting it to work. Kaidan shifted his gaze to an empty spot on the floor. Did the elevator rides always last this long? 

“You can talk to us.” Kaidan froze in his place before looking at Liara. She was now looking back at him with an, at least to Kaidan, unreadable expression.

“I already had this conversation with Tali. I’m _fine_ and besides, we have more important things to worry about.” He rubs the back of his neck before lowering his gaze to the ground once again, hoping that Liara would drop the topic. With Tali it was easy, she’s not usually one to get up and personal, at least without being a bit awkward about it. But he knows Liara can be very persistent. Besides, the whole bedroom scene really didn’t make it easier for him to ignore his feelings. And to Kaidan’s relief, Liara stays silent for a moment.

“We all miss him. Kaidan I understand you feel like you have to get through this alone, but he was important to us too.” The way she used past tense made Kaidan freeze. He was about to shoot something back at her when he turned to look at the asari. This time he didn’t need even a second to read her, with her looking back at him with furrowed brows and sorrowful eyes. “We all miss him and want him back, but he was something more to you. Everyone knows this must be hard on you and that’s why we don’t say anything. Kaidan, I know it’s hard, but the others need you to speak up. Think about it from their side, if you, the person Shepard loved, can’t show that you’re grieving, how could they?”

Kaidan turned to look back at the elevator doors before him. Liara was right, he hadn’t thought about how his actions would affect the crew and how they must be feeling. But truth be told, he didn’t really care. Kaidan hated admitting it, but right now he didn’t care about how the crew was feeling about losing Shepard, because he still would not believe that he was gone. But maybe it would be better if he talked with everyone, maybe it would ease the atmosphere. After all, they are still friends, at least Kaidan hopes so. They should be able to depend on each other at times like these.

“I… I didn’t think about it that way. Thanks, Liara.” He felt a gentle hand brush his arm and saw Liara smiling at him before turning to look away as the elevator came to a stop and the door opened. Kaidan sighed as they walked out of the small room. They will get home soon and hopefully, they’ll find Shepard and all of this will be over.

“I’m sorry. This was probably not the best time to bring it up.” Liara slightly shook her head as she opened her Omni-tool. “I’ll be in the lounge if you need anything.” With that, the asari turned around and started walking towards the lounge. Yeah, they still have a lot to do. Kaidan started walking towards the observation deck, where he could have a clear view outside. 

Entering the deck, he sat down in front of the large window with a slight groan and pulled out the pen and paper he had brought with him. Kaidan looked outside and back at the paper before him and sighed and leaned back in the chair. Sure, the idea sounded fine and dandy, but where should he start? He can’t accurately tell how far away some of the stars and possible planets are without his Omni-tool, so he would just be drawing dots on the paper. Kaidan glanced down at his arm and decided to have a final try with the Omni-tool. For a while, the tool flickered on and off staying on just long enough for Kaidan to have hope, and then once again shutting down.

“I guess I have to figure this out myself.” Looking up at the vast sea of stars, Kaidan clicked the pen in his hand.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Idk I didn't really like this chapter. Also, I'm getting anxious about the fact that I don't know everything about the ME lore so I'm afraid this won't make sense and that it would seem stupid to readers more intelligent than me. But fuck it, it's just fanfiction.


End file.
